Guess what?! America is EVIL!!!!!

Hey, um, no offense, but were you aware that America is evil?!!

Well, I didn't know about it until today, and let me just say that I am still a bit in shock over the whole thing!!

Apparently, we aren't just your average, everyday evil, either.

After all, we ARE America and when we do something we kick ass and do it 110%. We even kick ass at being evil.

Hooyah!!

I think since we do it so well, they should just go ahead and replace the definition of evil in the Webster's dictionary to say:

evil (adj.)

AMERICA.

Oh, and they should add this picture to go along with it, too:



Yep, I know!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., but YOU are an American! How can you say that your country is EVIL?!".

Well, ummmm.... because it's true?!!

Hey, don't give me that look, I wouldn't have believed it either, until I saw this guy singing about it on Fox News this morning:Fox News always has the ones who tell the most truth, that's why I watch it. :)

I mean, at first I thought he was just a loony bastard, but then I started to ask around and I realized he wasn't the only one who knew about this.

When I called up my hemp shod, clover smoking, anarchist hippy friends to ask them about it, they said he was right:



Now you tell me, how the hell was I supposed to know that it started way back then? I wasn't even born then!!

Ugh.

So then, when I called to tell my family the news, I found out that some of my own relatives already knew about this and it looks like they weren't even going to tell me, at least not until after the move:


I know!!

Those bastards were going to just leave me here to fend for myself. Now that is evil!!

They must have learned it by being American.

Because America is evil so naturally, all of us that live here must eventually become evil too, right?!

Right.

Anyhoo.. at lunch I realized that even my favorite local restaurant has known about this whole deal. They've had this sign up about it for as long as I can remember:


I mean, I drive by that sign every day and I always thought it was talking about them as an evil American symbol of unbridled capitalism, not about all of America itself!!

Yeah.

You're right, it really does suck!

I'm not even sure if I should eat there anymore, and I love their fries!!

Ugh.

Of course, before I totally and finally and completely accepted the truth about America and her evilness, I did a lot of soul searching.

I even spent about twenty minutes on Google search looking up "America is evil" before I finally came to the conclusion that my hemp shod, clover smoking anarchist friends, my formerly patriotic, emigrating to Greenland relatives, those greedy capitalistic bastards who run Mc Donald's, and the half-naked, singing the horrible truth Fox News guy were right!!

To make things worse, apparently the rest of the world has known about it for a long time, and nobody bothered to tell me!!!

Like these guys over in England:



THEY could have picked up the phone to let me know!!

Or this lady in China:


She could have sent me a postcard to give me a heads up!!

Oh, and what about this nice farmer in Africa:


Would it have killed him to send an email? It's not like he has anything better to do in between planting and harvest time!!

Ugh.

It really pissed me off that none of them bothered to tell me but then I found the story about this guy who, much like me, didn't believe it at first, but then, much like me, finally realized that it was, indeed, all so very, very true:


I mean, I can forgive him for not telling me about it, since he didn't believe it until now, either.

Funny thing is, in all that time I spent looking online, I couldn't find ANYONE who didn't believe it!!

Well, actually, that isn't exactly true.

There were these guys:


Yeaaahhhh.

Obviously they belong to some weird, tree-hugger cult who loves Mc Donald's, so why would I take them seriously?!!

Oh, and then there was this one drunk guy from Norway:

Pffft.

Like I care what some drunk from Norway thinks! I mean, I don't even think Norway is still it's own country, even.

Didn't Sweden conquer it in the 90's?

Hell, I don't know, and to be honest, I don't even care what that stupid viking thinks anyway. I KNOW America is evil, and he isn't going to change my mind.

I feel the same way about my stupid Fatwa friends:



Argh!!!!!

They only say that they love it because they think it will make me mad.

They still aren't over the fact that I found out that I'm the antichrist and they've been wanting to get revenge on me since I had to tell them that it's me and not the pope or George Bush or the president of Israel.

Ugh.

Anyhoo... who cares about them, either.

America IS evil so since I am the antichrist, maybe I should just be happy about it and stay here and let everyone else emigrate to Greenland. I mean, since America is so evil, and all.

Between you and me, I'd be happy if they all left.

:p